Phourglass
This last week, I’ve been playing The Legend of Zelda; Phantom Hourglass, a game that, on hindsight, I didn’t play due to any form of excitement for, merely out of a sense of obligation. “Hey, listen! You have a DS, buy Zelda! Nownownow!” screams the Navi doll I have sitting on my shoulder for some reason. So, acting out as the good Nintendo fanboy, I grudgingly give the clerk my money and receive the most hallowed of all hallows. A new Zelda! Sequel to Wind Waker! Controlled with a stylus! I cannot wait to try this new form of bliss-in-a-cartridge. I put it in, and….nothing new.
If you’re wondering why I’m being sarcastic, its because I’m not a fan of this game. The problems with this particular installment of the classic franchise are not so much a fault of the basic design, I just can’t help but think that after twenty years, Nintendo is truly afraid of changing anything in their core franchise, most likely due to fear that it will sell like crap. Hello! Nintendo! The game could be dogshit and the Nintendo herd will buy the shit out of it!
Bombs, boomerangs, saving princess Zelda, temples, dungeons, sailing the ocean, arrows, rupees, that frikkin’ fairy Navi, all that craps back, and more prominent than ever. Come on, Nintendo. Look at Okami. It was different from Zelda, but still incredibly good. You don’t need to keep retreading old ground! Dare to innovate!
Besides the fact that the game design is old as hell, there are relatively few problems with the game proper. Controlling Link works well enough, being able to scribble on the map is entertaining and opens the way for new puzzles, and using the boomerang/bombs are not more intuitive than ever, so I suppose that is an improvement. The touch controls work well enough, I suppose, as there were few instances where I wished fervently for the old control scheme back.
One last thing, though, that truly pisses me off about this game more than the ordinary in a Zelda game. After every main dungeon, you have to go back to this one massive Temple, and open new areas in it so you can find out where to go. Now, going through the same parts of a massive temple is annoying enough, there are two things that are really, really annoying are a) this mofo is filled with enemies, big-bad asses who you cannot kill, dudes that, if they see you, you’re basically dead. Yay, shitty stealth sequences in games they shouldn’t belong in. Haven’t I seen this before? Oh yeah, the beginning to Wind Waker. And if I remember, it sucked ass in that game too. Jesus Christ, does Nintendo ever listen to its fans? I mean, ever?
Lastly, B), there is a time limit to this temple. A time limit that really has no explanation for being there, nor should it, because it has absolutely no fucking right to be there in the first place. The only reason it even exists is to increase the challenge, something I would normally have no problem with, if only it were optional. It isn’t, and instead, it is only there to piss me off.
Look, by no means do I hate this game, but the vast amount of praise it is receiving just boggles my mind. Has no one played a Zelda game within the last year? Anyway, if you just can’t get enough of Zelda, then by all means, play this. If you’re like me, and a little tired of the same tired old traditions, you won’t miss much by skipping this game.
EDIT – Okay, I just saw Yahtzee’s latest review of this game, and his points are strikingly similar to mine. Please, I saw this video after writing this, nothing was taken. If you haven’t seen it yet, though, please go to this link and watch it. His opinion closely mirrors mine, so yeah, I guess you could just watch that and skip my review. 
January 6, 2008 at 11:16 am
I don’t understand the stress about the stealth stuff. Yes, it’s really damned annoying that there isn’t yellow sand portals for every “end floor” in a particular area so that you’re never required to repeat floors, but they’re incredibly easy. I mean, come on, the idea that when phantoms see you you’re “basically dead” sounds b00nish. The blue ones are extremely easy to avoid and quite slow, the red ones are only a risk if you’re very far from a safe point (which are abundant enough in most of the floors). Green ones are the first that pose even a vague threat, but the bow still makes them pretty manageable. (their warp is slow enough that you’re usually to a safe point in time).
Oh and a few innovative things:
-Ya, boomerang is back like always, but the control you get over it is present only here and in Oracle of Seasons (control mag. boomerang w/ d-pad).
-Same w/ bombchu control.
-The part where you close/open the DS was pretty neat idea.
-Multiplayer is pretty fun, not necessarily worth buying the game for but it’s a pretty well done diversion.
One thing they should’ve worked more on is the big key stuff, how you have to carry it back to the boss door. I only remember liek once where they actually made this a challenge at all, mostly it just slowed you down on your way to the boss door through cleared out rooms.
Finally, the annoying sailing is back, the ocean is very small in comparison to windwaker and it’s not much of an annoyance (especially w/ the slates making nearly all voyages take about 30 s – a minute in length).
Still, it would be better if they cut it out entirely, why does zelda need something equivalent to a JRPG’s “world map” w/ random encounters which are extremely boring/easy to boot? Customizing your ship is also pointless, as far as I can tell it only adds durability but 3 hearts is easily enough to get you through the game.